Seek to Misconstrue   + a

Failure: The Blog  

[More archives...]

Lying To Improve a Marriage?

Everyone says a good relationship is based on trust. So why would one of the world’s foremost experts on marriage use dishonesty as part of his research methods?

Here’s a direct quote from John Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work (page 179 in the paperback edition). See if you can spot the sneaky practice in the setup of Gottman’s marriage lab:

In one of our latest experiments, we interrupted couples after fifteen minutes and told them we needed to adjust the equipment. We asked them not to talk about their issue, but just to read magazines for half and hour. When they started talking about their issue again, their heart rates were significantly lower and their interaction more productive.

Photo © Flickr User nrdend

Here’s what Gottman is doing: he knows that when people take a break from a difficult conversation, they tend to cool off and do a better job of working out their differences. But how can you get people to stop talking for a few minutes?

Earlier in the chapter, the author explains how he would prefer to have couples take part in a guided meditation exercise. But so many individuals resisted the idea—out of skepticism or frustration—that the he couldn’t test the theory. So instead, he told a little white lie: that the “equipment needed to be adjusted.”

Failure is the secret to success. Sometimes you need to do what seems wrong to get the right answer, even if you are conducting a study in a world famous psychology lab. In this case, a little minor dishonesty helps couples to find ways to speak more honestly with each other.

This entry was posted on Monday, September 12th, 2011. You can follow any responses to this entry through RSS 2.0. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.